Day 4

For some reason, I have no motivation to do this. I should want to, but I don't.
I'm sitting in my friend James' basement right now, we're both on our laptops being totally social, ya know, as per usual.
I've been spending the last two days just watching Kristina Horner and Alex Day and Charlie McDonnell and Tom Milsom videos. I've become oddly obsessed.
I really wanted to start talking about things that are mildly important in the world, so I decided to do a blog where I talk about important things.
First of all, there is something wrong with my laptop and I don't know why its happening. Basically, my computer things that I'm clicking various places into where I've already typed. So for example: my blog may have read "I don't know why its hai've already typeppening" yeah. Whats interesting is the concept of being able to go back and edit, and how many people wish this was something that they could do in real life, go back in time to change the way they did or said something. I personally never experienced this until recently. I personally always lived by the motto "if things hadn't happened the way that they had, I wouldn't be the person that I am today" which all sounds well and good, but what if you end up realizing that you're not sure you like the person you've ended up becoming?
This is where I am now. I suppose I don't regret the decisions I've made, regret is a strong word. But I do wonder. I'm a skeptic, and an inquisitive person and in general I think things pretty regularly along the lines of "what if I didn't turn away?" or "what if I had broken up with him sooner?"
And I've realized that most of the "what if's" that I have in my life involve boys, and feeling like I didn't do the right thing.
Examples:
What if I had danced with Eddie that night? Not asked Patrick for his approval and just given him that one dance? Would he still be alive today?
What if I had realized sooner that Alan was a waste of my energy, would I still be in contact with Ian?
What if I had never gotten involved with Dan? This particular "what if" is more complicated. It makes me wonder two things. One: would I have been a happier person and not had so much loss of confidence? Two: would I have become overcome by the path I was on and be a drug addict right about now?

Most recently, I've wondered, What if I had broken up with AJ after the whole "she-who-must-not-be-named" ordeal. What would have happened?

So now, I'm on that path. I've ended things with AJ in the hopes of no longer living my live with "what ifs" and dying with a lot more of "remember that time when"s mixed with laughter and good memories.
I hope that this isnt a futile effort. I really hope to be able to start doing more of the things I enjoy, taking bubble baths, and less of the things I don't really enjoy. I'm not sure what it is I don't like yet, but I guess all there is left to do is live.
And live I will.

To Ininity and Beyond:
Caity